My Journey Through Pregnancy
Sat, April, 22, 2023
I am currently making Jello Salad fruit style and preparing the Russian Salad for dinner before the guests arrive. I like having guests over when my husband is away working. Jeez, I sound like I'm in the 1940s. It's raining so I don't have to water my garden but I better weed it at some point as the baby plants are weaklings I find lol. I kept down my pancakes I had for breakfast so that's good. Jello Salad is one of my favorites but it takes all day. It's easy when my day is filled with chores as most of the recipe is just letting it chill and set. My laundry should be about done, better check on that soon. We don't have anymore yeast otherwise I'd make butter buns to go with dinner. I miss playing board games with my husband. I can't wait for him to come home. I enjoy planning my community dog walking, it keeps me busy and happy. I look forward to meeting the neighborhood dogs. It sucks being home alone when I'm still. When I'm busy and moving it's nice. 4 months hey, that's the fastest four months has ever passed in my life. Only five more months to go. Wow.
Time to check on the Jello and laundry, ttfn.
Sun, April, 23, 2023
5:17 pm
I'm a struggling a little today. Not like my usual depression just sad. I was listening to music and dancing while making granola when a song came on. It was a song I used to listen to with old friends who we'll call Elsa and Kayla for now. This day in particular was when we had a fun day at the beach swimming and laughing and then we got home and danced in the kitchen. I remember this day very vividly because these friends were the only people that could make me laugh like that at the time. I call them friend even though they turned out to not have ever been over three years I called them "friends" because it's hard for me to fully grasp what they did. I was at my lowest when I knew them and we went through high school together as people who often were bullied. We then graduated and my mental health declined fast. They were there. They visited me once in the hospital over the 2 or 3 years I struggled but were always available to call at least once a week. It's hard to comprehend why they would pretend to care for so long. They ghosted me after 4 years of intense "friendship". I tried to contact them for at least an answer as to why they wouldn't speak to me anymore but they couldn't even give me a sentence. I tried to contact them for 6 months but they ignored every single message I left. I am only bringing this story up because you can't let these situations best you. I refuse to let this cruelty hit my soul anymore. I won't cry longer than an hour and talk about it when I feel like it's besting me. Will I stop trusting? no. I will love with my whole heart for as long as I shall live. I don't understand why people hurt others so cruelly but I know I won't let it change me fundamentally for the worse. I learned something from this hatred I felt for a long time, hate is draining and ruining and overall not worth it. I choose to let go. I don't think I can forgive Elsa and Kayla for they're actions but I can let go. I feel better now.
April 27 2023 1:55 pm
I wish the world was more loving and understanding. It's saddening to go on YouTube and look for recipes when there's so much shaming around the LGBTQ2S+ community. They are just people who choose to love and show kindness in my experience. They aren't in your way or spreading their "beliefs". They are just asking for you to leave them alone or listen respectfully if you disagree. But people feel the need to shove their so called "right" beliefs down everyone's throats. I just want to look at pregnancy videos and recipes when I go online. I want kindness and love. If you disagree that's fine just don't feel the need to yell it down the streets constantly. I know I'll probably get hate for writing this which is saddening but I'd rather receive hate for loving and standing up for love than keep mouth shut while people are hurting. When me and my husband were homeless and young and pregnant, which wasn't too long ago, it was the understanding LGBT, sex positive family who listened and helped us get back on our feet. Of course we would have family disputes but they honored our experience as it was. They didn't talk about their experience and ideas unless it was asked for or known to be socially appropriate in the moment. They just helped people in need with no expectations. To me that is what society should look like. I mourn the world I knew as a child that was loving and lgbtq2s+ positive. It's gotten more hateful and I feel like crying. I refuse to let that be my community in life. I will continue to love people as they are.